Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
