I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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