i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
