That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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