I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
