"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we're making bets on your personal life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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