She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
where does the pee come out of this thing
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
