how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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