OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
