the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize