i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
