It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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