I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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