I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
