ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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