you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
