if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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