non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize