There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
