can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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