I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
