I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
