in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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