She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found your dick twin last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
