from now on my penis is your penis
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I want to fling myself into the sun
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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