; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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