I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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