Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
