We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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