every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
