Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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