just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
