you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
