You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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