Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
