i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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