Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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