Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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