I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize