Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
