Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
