3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
