my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
