Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
