look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dicks are not precious.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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