Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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