Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
