do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
