U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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