I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's like heaven, but drunker
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
