Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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