Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
