Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
