My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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