this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
